Where Were You on 9/11?

Mara here. September 11th, 2001.

Especially if you're an American, it's one of those dates that will always evoke strong memories.

Every year, I approach the day with a little bit of dread because it feels tainted. It's just another day of the year, and we do all the normal things that we always do, but it's impossible not to remember the trauma and the tragedy.

I guess I can't say there won't be another event that surpasses 9/11 in terms of my emotional reaction. But so far, it's the one that is seared into my consciousness the most memorably. Even my wedding and the birth of my daughter aren't as clear in my mind. Of course, I have more emotional attachment to those two events, but they were expected. My wedding was planned for months, and with the birth of my daughter, although I didn't know the exact date, I knew it was going to happen. I had mentally prepared.

The attacks on September 11th felt like being struck by lightening. It was so out of the realm of possibility that it took time to be convinced it was real.

Most of us can remember exactly where we were when we first heard what was happening in New York.

Since I live in California, it was early in the morning. We had an eight month old baby, so I awoke around six. As usual, there was news on the television playing in our bedroom. At the time, I regularly watched The Today Show, and Katie Couric was saying something about New York. There was an image of the World Trade Center towers, and there was smoke coming from one of the buildings. The volume was low so I couldn't hear what they were saying, so I reached for the remote to turn up the volume.

As I was doing that, a plane flashed on the screen and all of a sudden there was an explosion.

The second plane hit the second tower—on live television.

What had I seen? I wondered if I had been mistaken, that it wasn't in fact The Today Show I was watching, but maybe a movie. Was I awake? What was happening?

And Katie Couric was equally confused.

Nobody could believe it was happening.

Was it an accident? Had two airline pilots somehow gotten confused? Was there something wrong with air traffic control?

All the people who were supposed to know what was happening were just as confused and scared as I was.

I remember going out into the living room where my husband was getting ready to go out for his regular pre-work bike ride. He hadn't been watching the news and didn't know what was going on.

I can't remember if he went on his ride. I don't really remember what we did. But at some point, everyone realized that the United States was, in fact, being attacked. And panic set in.

I remember I went to the store to grab some food because, for some reason, that felt like the right thing to do. I remember there was unease amongst the customers. And I remember there was a woman in line in front of me who hadn't heard what had happened. I told her and she walked out of the store bewildered.

Later, as the day went on and horror after horror continued to unfold, it became clear that things were not going to go back to "normal" any time soon.

Business closed down for the day. Fears of additional terrorist attacks all over the country spread. Airlines shut down. People were stranded.

My husband worked for Universal Studios Hollywood at the time, and he was told to stay home. The theme park was not going to be open that day because nobody knew if additional tourist attractions were going to be attacked.

Then the Trade Center towers crumbled and images that looked like something out of the movies flooded the television.

That's when the real horror of the situation in New York became painfully clear to me. All those millions of people were trapped on a small island, with limited options for getting to safety. They were literally trapped while buildings were being attacked and the streets were becoming wind tunnels of ash and debris.

It was horrific.

And then the additional attack on the Pentagon. And the plane that crashed in the Pennsylvania field.

It was nothing I had ever imagined possible before.

Even after that tragic day finally ended, the heartbreak continued. It was prior to social media, so the streets of New York were plastered with thousands of posters from family members searching for missing loved ones. People were desperate for answers that nobody had.

The stories of the emergency workers who gave their lives that day were particularly heartbreaking to me. As news footage emerged of the heroes who ran into the burning building, knowing they would likely not make it out alive, for the first time I truly understood what the reality is for firefighters, police, doctors, and EMT's: they run towards danger when others are running away from it.

And, as new mother and relatively new adult, I finally understood the weight of responsibility we have for each other as fellow humans.

But the day was not without its bright moments. Stories of heroism began to emerge, and the feeling of shared community that the world had in support of the United States gave me hope. The hundreds, probably thousands, of stories of everyday heroes that were shared proved that we are a country—a species—of people who are mostly good and kind and brave.

And now, 16 years later, I look back on the day and can see what I couldn't see in the moment—that we do live on and things do get better. Life continues, and we rebuild, and we move forward.

I know a couple of kids who were born on that very day, miraculous moments of birth in the midst of horror. But now they're grown up. They're almost adults. They were and are proof, that the country was not stopped that day. They are proof that the human spirit is strong and that life goes on.

But the country did change. And I changed. There's a part of me that no longer thinks anything is impossible. My concept of safety changed. My scope of the evil and danger that exists in the world has broadened. I've had to come to terms with the reality that there are some events that no amount of government readiness or personal preparation protect us from.

There has not been a morning since 9/11 that I have not woken up and checked the news to make sure nothing catastrophic has happened.

And even after 16 years, there's no singular event that stands out more to me in my mind than 9/11. I'm not sure there ever will be. In many ways, I hope there isn't. Because I hope that we collectively never have to experience something that horrific again.

Here are some questions I asked my mom about 9/11.

What are your memories of that day?

I was sick in bed, only months from what I didn't realize at the time would become a chronic illness that continues to this day. Your dad had left the house early to drive to Marin County, about an hour and a half away. He had the radio on in the car and heard about something terrible going on in New York. 

At that point, he turned the car around and drove straight home to me. I was still asleep when he came in. He woke me up and said, "Put on the television." I couldn't believe what I was seeing. When the first building collapsed, it almost felt like I was watching a movie because what was happening was beyond anything I thought could ever imagine happening in real life.

Do you have any lasting emotional reaction to what happened on 9/11?

I do. Like you, I always think about the first responders who gave their lives trying to save others. Sometimes I have an image of them climbing the stairs in the twin towers in a fruitless attempt to get to people. But they did it anyway. You're right. They're true heroes.

I also think about the stories I've been told by friends who were there. Most of them lived or worked in Manhattan, and they each had a personal tale to tell about that horrific day, especially their frantic attempts to find family members who might have been in or near the towers, or their equally frantic attempts find family members so they could tell them that they themselves were okay. 

When these come to mind, it hurts emotionally. I don't think I'll ever get over the images of the first responders climbing those stairs.

In your life, where does 9/11 rank in terms of memorable dates?

It ranks second only to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. But I was young then so the shock changed my relationship to the world forever. I think if I'd been young when 9/11 happened, it would be foremost in my memory.

I wish the world would change, Mara.

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If you have any memories to share, please add them in the comments section below. Our best to everyone.