The Happiness Myth

Mara here:

"You should do whatever makes you happy."

It seems like this was the mantra for my generation. My parents generation was still saddled with traditional expectations. Some, like my parents rebelled against the mainstream. Others did what previous generations had done, which was do what their parents had expected of them.

But my generation, Generation X, was different. We were the generation being raised by hippies. We were the generation being raised by parents who had experienced Vietnam, the assassination of King and of the Kennedy brothers. We were the generation being raised by parents who lived through Watergate.

My parents didn't want to impose their expectations on their kids. My parents read books on psychology and were more open to different philosophies of life. I could be wrong, but I feel as if my generation was the first one who was told they could be anything.

It wasn't just my parents (who I firmly believe thought I could be anything I wanted), it was people on television and in books. Everyone said we shouldn't limit ourselves. We shouldn't settle for anything less that what made us happy.

We were told we shouldn't just have jobs. We should find our passion. We were told we should do whatever made us happy. We were told that we if we found that magical thing that made us happy, then it wouldn't be work—it would be a passion.

And that sounds fantastic.

It sounds so fantastic that I took it to heart. I really thought that if I worked hard enough, if I kept searching I would find something—that thing—that would make me happy.

As the years went on, I kept thinking that somehow I just hadn't found the right thing. I wasn't happy. I had moments of happiness, but it didn't seem like the kind of happy everyone talked about. 

Then I started to wonder if happiness was just not something I could achieve. It was clear that there wasn't some thing out there that was just going to make me happy. I had tried several different jobs. I had tried different hobbies. I was married to a wonderful man. We had lived in many different cities. I had worked a lot. I had had the freedom not to work.

I wasn't happy.

And I wasn't the only one. I was noticing that many of my peers weren't happy either. In fact, there seem to be a lot Gen X'ers who have struggled to find peace with their lives. Friends were following their "dreams" and opening their own businesses or succeeding in projects that they had long worked for, but they were still struggling with many of the same issues I was struggling with. They felt stressed and tired. They felt disheartened that they didn't feel fulfilled. It felt like they were feeling a lot of pressure to be happy.

For myself, I assumed it was something about me. I assumed there was something wrong with me. I assumed that I was somehow not doing something right.

But as I'm getting older, I'm wondering if it's simply that while everyone talks about happiness...nobody talks about what being happy actually is.

I think this is possibly because, much like raising children, it's a different experience for everyone. I'm not sure "happy" can be described in a universal way. And it's not constant. There are grades of happiness—from not happy to very happy. 

And really, as most books will now tell you, people who self-describe themselves as happy find their happiness in whatever circumstance they're in. It's not something external. It's internal.

Honestly though, as a parent, this is a sucky thing to have to try and explain to a child.

Most parents give the same spiel to their kids: "You can be whatever you set your mind to." And "You should do what makes you "'happy.'"

But I have trouble saying those things to my daughter. The problem is that the alternative is to say to her, "Well, you might do all these things and you might still be unhappy." It sounds like I'm the villain in a Disney movie.

I just don't want her to grow up thinking that happiness is something that you can somehow attain by following certain steps. I can't promise if she gets all A's, goes to college, goes to graduate school, marries someone nice, and gets a great job that at the end of it all is a happy ending.

I think "happy" as a state of being is a myth. It's not a constant. I think if we could let go of the ideal of happiness, a lot of people would feel less pressure to be something that maybe doesn't exist. We would feel less like we've failed just because we don't feel happy.

And before people get all up in arms telling me they're happy, I'm not saying there's no such thing as happiness. I feel a lot of happiness in my life. If I think back, I can think of countless happy moments in my life.

But they're moments. Some moments last longer than others, but it's not like when my hair grows long and it's just long until I cut it. Happiness is not solid. It's not something that is easily measured. It ebbs and flows.

And happiness requires some effort. Happiness isn't something that's thrust upon us. For me at least, it's something I have to choose. I have to tend to it, like a flower in a garden. I need to remember to seek happiness out instead of defaulting to gloom and doom.

I suspect some people probably default to happiness. And if you're like that, you're so lucky.

When I did finally realized that happiness was something I actually had a little bit of control over, my life changed. In most ways, it changed for the better. It made me realize that I wasn't just a passive mass of skin and bones waiting for something be bestowed upon me by the universe.

Knowing that I could decide to feel positive, even if I wasn't always successful, made achieving happiness more consistently possible.

But it was a little bit like finding out there was no Santa Claus. There was not going to be one magical event that would suddenly transform my life to become "happy." Losing weight would not make me happy. Getting a cat would not make me happy. Having a beautiful baby girl would not make me happy. Buying a house would not make me happy.

I had to find happiness in what I had.

So that's what I try to tell my daughter, in the least villain-like way. I tell her that she needs to try and be happy with what she already has. That it's always good to be excited about what's to come, and if she works hard she can achieve the things she wants. But that happiness is not necessarily a reward that comes with any particular thing.

And I try to tell her that it's okay to do things, even if they don't always make you happy. I make sure she knows that whatever profession she chooses, there will be moments, days, weeks, when she doesn't enjoy whatever it is she's doing—because that's life. We aren't always happy.

And that's okay. It's nice to be happy. But it's fine if we're not happy. And in the moments when we're not feeling particularly happy, we can feel confident that the feelings of happiness will come back around.

My goal for my daughter is for her to know that happy exists, but that it's not the only goal. I want her to know that she should find a job she enjoys, but it doesn't have to be something that makes her feel like singing and dancing every day. And that she should find a man she loves, but it's fine if he sometimes irritates her. I want her to experience and recognize happiness, but not covet it. Because happiness is a shape shifter. You think you have it, so you cling to it, but it turns into something else, and then you realize you're clinging to something that doesn't make you happy anymore.

Happiness for me now is something I am grateful for when I feel it. And there are times when I feel it more, so I gravitate towards those things and people.

But I don't expect it anymore. And I don't feel like a failure anymore when I don't feel it. I feel more freedom to be happy.

***

Toni here. Mara was going to ask me some questions about Buddhist teachings related to happiness, but after I read this, I declined because this is the best piece on happiness I've read.

I did agree to answer this question:

When we were growing up, did it ever occur to you that we might not be happy?

No, Mara, it didn't, and the reason is that you're so much more perceptive a parent than I was!