"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. From what I've experienced, they either tear couples apart or they bring them together. And I don't think there's any way to know how you'll react until you're confronted with it.
My daughter has found herself in her first serious relationship as a young adult, and she's across the country from her boyfriend. They hadn't planned to continue on as a couple once he left for college. They were both convinced it could never last once they had a few thousand miles between them.
But when the day came, they simply didn't want to end the relationship. They spent hours on the phone, texting constantly and using all the powers modern technology has to offer to stay in contact.
And about three weeks into the separation, they decided to remain a couple. They decided to dive into the scary world of long distance relationship.
The thing is, it's really not that scary if you are in the right relationship.
I suppose there are some people who just aren't suited to being physically separated from their partner. I do know people who simply engage with whomever is in front of them and the rest of the world drops from their radar.
However, I think most people, if they are willing to be active participants in a relationship, can keep the connection—even when they aren't physically together.
But it does take work. You really have to put effort into making sure you stay involved in the other person's life.
Brad and I started as a couple living about a hundred miles apart. He had graduated from college and moved back to his home town in the eastern edge of the bay area of California. I was living and going to school in Davis. And, unlike Malia and her boyfriend, we did not have cell phones. We did have email, but it was clunky and not easy to access.
So we spoke some on the phone. And we wrote letters.
But the connection was something that had to be actively nurtured. It would have been easy to push the relationship to the side. But it was something we both decided was the priority, so we made sure to put the time and effort into making it work. And because of that, it wasn't something we ever took for granted. The time we got to spend together was cherished and appreciated. And it taught us that being a couple didn't mean you couldn't also be independent.
I spent my week on my own, going to classes and doing my activities. The weekends were time I could spend with Brad.
A year later, when we were finally able to live together, the bond between us was strong. We were used to putting time into making sure we communicated. And I think it's one of the reasons our relationship has been so strong all these years.
Twenty years later, when we had to be apart for the majority of three years while I traveled with Malia for her acting career, the relationship between Brad and me never wavered. I never even questioned whether or not it would be an issue.
So even though it is a cliché, I think there is truth to the idea that distance can make the heart grow fonder. It doesn't actually make you more fond of the person, but it structures the relationship in a way that you actively engage in the connection and appreciate the person more when you are able to be together. My experience from the long distant part of our relationship made communicating with Brad something I do proactively, not something I just assume will happen.
As for Malia and her boyfriend, they're young and the relationship is very new. But I can already see that they have put a lot of effort into making the relationship move forward. They have learned how to communicate and express themselves despite the time difference and distance.
So even though it's likely she won't end up long term with her current boyfriend, hopefully the experience has taught her some important lessons in maintaining a relationship. Distance isn't a barrier, it just makes it a little harder. It takes more effort. But in the end, being apart can bring you closer together.
Here are a few questions I asked my mom on this subject:
I don't think you and dad have ever been separated for long periods of time. Do you think your relationship would suffer from an extended physical separation?
We've been separated for a month here and there during our time together. One year, Dad was teaching in the University of Wisconsin in Madison during the summer. And then for several years, he went on a month-long retreat every February. Our relationship was already so strong that the concern that it would suffer was never a consideration in deciding whether he should go or not. I guess it's the same as you said about you and Brad when you were separated due to your traveling with Malia for her acting.
Yes, I think the distance has actually been good for our relationship. I'm not someone who is great at communicating in person, so having writing being our main form of communication is nice for me. What do you think?
I think this illustrates that everyone and every relationship is different. I realized as I read your piece how being apart from Brad strengthened your relationship because you communicate so well by writing. That was so fortunate for you!
It's interesting to think about how different it would be if you'd met now. You'd probably FaceTime instead of writing. For you, writing might have been better. I'm not a great FaceTime person. It's harder for me than being with someone in person. With FaceTime, it feels as if someone always has to be talking, whereas, in person, pauses in conversation feel natural.
But I know several long distant relationships that FaceTime has helped with. Our former housemate FaceTimed with her boyfriend in Sydney, Australia all the time, and it brought them closer. Sometimes she'd cook in the kitchen as they'd FaceTime and they'd chat as she cooked. In fact, she now lives in Sydney with him and now they FaceTime with your Dad and me once a month!
Technology has made distance much less significant when it comes to relationships and friendships. Because your illness has made physical contact difficult, can you imagine trying to maintain friendships the same way 30 years ago?
I can't imagine it. In fact, the new technology is so important to housebound people that I write about it in my books, especially the new edition of How to Be Sick. When I think of people who were housebound not that many decades ago, my heart goes out to them because they were so isolated from others. It's still hard for me to be stuck with a computer for communication but, without it allowing me to email and text, I wouldn't be as close to you or as close to several friends, so I'm grateful for it.
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