I'm going to preface my story by stating that it really isn't about Walmart. We happened to be in a Walmart when the event took place which is why the name has stuck, but it's not a criticism of Walmart.
In fact, I've only ever been to Walmart a couple of times in my life. We don't have one near our house, so it's not where I go for stuff.
Anyway, for those of you who've read the blog regularly, you know that it's been a little frustrating around our house for the past couple of weeks. Things that have seemed fairly straightforward have been annoyingly complicated.
An example of this was the process of trying to get a letter of recommendation from my daughter's school counselor for a summer program she's applying to.
For a little bit of background, my daughter goes to a public school. My husband, Brad, and I are big believers in public education, so we have had our daughter attend public school instead of going the private school route that many of our fellow parents have opted for.
That said, Malia's school is large. It has around 3,000 students, and is, of course, underfunded and understaffed.
Malia happens to be advanced academically, so we are fortunate that many of her classes are small to normal sized. The few classes she has taken that were categorized as "general education" such as Health (which is mandatory for all high school kids) were overwhelmingly crowded, with 45-50 kids in the classroom.
So, 3,000 kids and a counseling staff of around 5 or 6. We're not positive how many counselors there are exactly, but it's not very many. You can imagine where this is going.
In January, after the winter break, Malia submitted her request for a letter of recommendation to her counselor. They ask that you give them at least three weeks notice for requests like this, so we waited. Three weeks passed. Four weeks passed. Five weeks passed. So now, my daughter—who is wonderful in many ways—but could not be called patient, is panicking.
There's a very specific summer program at Columbia University she is interested in attending, and she cannot have her application considered for acceptance without this letter of recommendation. It's not helping the situation that Columbia has been emailing her every day to "remind" her that her application is incomplete.
Added to this is the fact that Columbia's summer programs are based on rolling admission. This means the programs fill up as the applications are received—the completed applications, that is. So the program Malia wants to attend could be closed before her application even gets considered.
So, here we are. Malia has tried to get in touch with her counselor several times with no response, so she asked me to help. Generally, I don't get involved in school issues for Malia because I believe it's important for her to be able to handle things on her own as much as possible.
But it's a huge high school and, let's face it, the administration is not going to respond to a student the same way they will to a parent. So I started by emailing. No reply. I then happened to be at the school dropping something off and stopped by the counseling office. The counselor wasn't available, so I left a handwritten note. No reply. I left a voice mail. I sent a second email. I left a second voice mail. No reply. I sent a third email. I left a third voicemail.
No reply.
Okay, I try to be understanding, but I have my limits. One evening, Malia was getting very upset about her still incomplete application and she said, "Well what if she just never answers you and she just never sends the letter?"
Getting irritated with the situation and my daughter who tends to dwell on the worst case scenario, I answered, "If she doesn't answer me, I will start emailing the Principals and the Vice-Principals."
"But what if she just doesn't do it?" Malia moaned.
"If I have to, I will email and call and leave voicemails for the entire administrative staff until someone gets back to me. I will go to the school and sit outside the Dean's Office until someone tells me how to get this stupid letter. Trust me, it will get done."
Suddenly, Brad shouted out, "Is there anyone, anywhere, at any Walmart who knows if there's a trampoline?"
Malia looked completely confused, but I burst out laughing.
This is Brad's cue to me that I am starting to get a little intense and crazy—Walmart level crazy.
Our "Walmart level crazy" story stems from an experience over a decade ago when we were trying to buy a trampoline for Malia. I wanted a very specific size trampoline, and no stores had it except Walmart. I had checked online to make sure that the Walmart we were going to had it in stock. I think I might have even called to double check. I am generally very thorough.
So of course we show up and we find the aisle where the trampolines are and the place where the 8 foot trampolines should be, and it's empty.
Grrrrr.
So I asked one of the Walmart employees about whether or not they had more trampolines in the back?
I got a relatively blank stare back and something along the lines of "Well, there aren't anymore here," pointing at the empty space.
I could see there weren't any on the shelf. That wasn't what I was asking.
I asked another employee. The answer was "I don't know."
I'm pretty sure I then asked to speak to a manager, who seemed to not understand what I was asking for, and was totally unfamiliar with the concept of calling another Walmart store to see if there were any in stock there.
Apparently, before we left the store, I was walking up and down the aisles shouting, "Is there anyone, anywhere, at any Walmart who knows if there are any trampolines in stock?"
And there you have it: Walmart level crazy.
So that's the story. And now when Brad can sense that I'm getting a little bit too worked up, he starts shouting, "Is there anyone, anywhere, at any Walmart who knows if there's a trampoline?"
My getting worked up is not my best moment, but after more than 20 years of marriage, we have discovered our ways of dealing with our less than perfect behaviors.
Fortunately, with the help of persistent calling and a $20 gift card to Starbucks, the letter of recommendation from the counselor has been successfully submitted. More Walmart level crazy was averted.
So I asked my mom, who is pretty level-headed, if she has ever lost her temper.
Can you remember a time when you lost your temper and got "Walmart level crazy"?
Okay. This is crazy (although not Walmart level crazy) but, although I can remember plenty of times when I've been cranky and irritable, I can't remember ever losing my temper in the sense of yelling and screaming. Maybe not being able to remember some things as I get older isn't such a bad thing!
Okay, so when you find yourself getting cranky and irritable, how do you calm yourself down?
This is a question I can definitely tackle.
First off, the challenge for me (and I'd imagine everyone) is that I can't do anything to make things better when I'm cranky or out of sorts until I become aware that it's happening, and sometimes that kind of mood is so all-encompassing that I don't take those few seconds pause to realize, "Wow, I'm really cranky right now."
Becoming aware like this is what I think of as a mindfulness moment. Once I have that moment, the first thing I do is to take three "mindful" breaths, meaning that three times, I simply breath in and breath out while paying attention to the physical sensation of my breath wherever I feel it the most in my body. Doing this connects me with my body and this in itself makes me a bit more calm.
Then I say to myself, "Okay, you're cranky. People get cranky. It comes and goes. Just be nice to yourself while it's hanging around and maybe see if there's something enjoyable you can do until your mood improves." In other words, I go straight to my ace in the hole: self-compassion, which simply means being nice to myself when things are tough. So that's the second thing I do—recognize that everyone gets irritated at times, so there's no reason to get down on myself for it.
Usually these two things are all I need to do to feel better—maybe not "happy better" but at least I'm calmer and not as cranky or otherwise irritated.
Sometimes, though, the cranky mood persists even after I've tried these two things. When that happens, I take refuge in the universal law of impermanence. By that I mean that I know I won't stay cranky forever. Yes, perhaps today is just going to be a bad mood day, but it I know it won't last indefinitely. In my books, I call this "weather practice" and describe how to use it and write about how moods are as unpredictable as the weather and how they also come and go like the weather. Doing this definitely makes me feel calm, even if it's a cranky calm!
So that's my strategy for calming myself down when I'm cranky or irritable or otherwise in a bad mood.
A final note. I'm not around other people a lot, but when I am, I'd add to my answer that, having recognized that I'm cranky or otherwise irritated, I try not to inflict it on those around me. I recall having said to your Dad in the past, "Sorry, but I'm in a really bad mood so maybe we should do separate things."
I hope everyone has some strategies to help survive everything from a simple bad mood to a full-blown loss of temper. My best to everyone. Toni
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