Goodbye 2018, Hello Future

Mara here:

Well, this is our last blog. It's hard to believe that two years have passed. I want to start off by saying Thank You to everyone who has shared this journey with us. It has been a really wonderful experience sharing little bits of our lives and getting to know some of our readers.

As always, at the end of the year, it's nice to reflect on everything that happened—both what we appreciated and the things that were harder—each of which helped teach us important lessons. It's equally nice to think about what's in store for us in the coming months and years. 

So I thought that since it's the last blog and it's also the end of the year, we would list three things we appreciated about 2018 and then three resolutions for 2019 and beyond.

2018:

1) I am very grateful for the change that prompted me to find a new job and be open to the idea of moving houses. I had been in a rut that really closed me off mentally to the idea of that much change. And I'm really happy that I was finally able to push past it so I could move forward. It was time for change for myself and for my family.

2) I'm happy to have met some really nice people last year. Being stuck in the rut I was in, I had closed myself off to new people for many years. But last year I finally met some of my neighbors and befriended some people at work. And it reminded me how much I do appreciate and value meeting new people.

3) Along with meeting new people, one thing that I finally truly understand—after 44 years—is that you don't really know people until you know them. That probably sounds silly, but most of my life I've been afflicted with the unfortunate habit of judging people prematurely. And my judgments have sometimes kept me from being open to friendships that I would have benefitted from. I'm not sure why, but at some point in 2018 my brain finally realized that whatever thoughts immediately pop into my head about people aren't "real." That just because someone does something that leads me to make a snap judgment doesn't mean that I actually know anything about that person or that person's life. And while I still sometimes find myself having judgy thoughts, I am now quick to remind myself to just let them go and keep an open mind.

2019 and beyond:

1) Going forward, I want to work on simplifying things. This recent move from our house has shown me that I have way too much stuff. The stuff that was piled in our garage and took up every nook and cranny of our house was truly a burden. And the same thing happens with my thoughts. So I want to work on physically and mentally trying to clear space. 

2) Another thing I would like to work on is being more generous. I want to be more generous with my finances, but also just more generous with my thoughts and my actions. I often find myself hesitant to get involved with people because it feels burdensome to invest my energy into their lives. But I want to be willing to give other people more of my time and energy. And I want to try and change my thinking from having it feel like a burden to being grateful I can help a fellow human.

3) The final thing that I will continue to work on is appreciating every situation I'm in. This is something I have been working on for the past few years. But the older I get, the more I am able to appreciate just how truly fortunate I am. Even when things aren't necessarily going the way I want them to, I have discovered that there is usually some sort of silver lining. There is usually something about the event that can be viewed in a positive light. I don't want to get to Pollyanna-ish on everyone. Sometimes sucky things happen. But I also want to be able to recognize that and then let it go. Sometimes things suck, but it's ok. It's ok that sometimes life just feels bad. But what I don't have to do is complain about it constantly, or dwell on how bad things are. Acknowledging your unhappiness is fine, but it's important to remember that you can also let it go. Most of us are lucky enough to have something positive to turn our energies towards. And that's what I want to work on doing.

Once again, thank you to all of our readers. I will forever be grateful for sharing this experience with you. I hope all of you have had a wonderful holiday and I wish nothing but happiness for you in 2019 and the future. 

Toni here:

I admit that, although this is the right time for Mara and me to end our joint blog, I'm sad about it. I'm sad mostly because I'll miss reading Mara's essays. I've learned a lot about her and from her the past two years, and that's been a special treat since I rarely get to see her in person. I love her with all my heart.

And now to my contribution to this piece...

2018:

1) I'm grateful to my husband, Tony, for continuing to take such incredible care of me and for sacrificing so much due to my illness. He doesn't just passively make sure I'm okay. He does things for me that he need not do. And the best of those things is the feast he cooks for me every night he's home (sometimes he's out for the evening, leading a meditation group somewhere in Northern California). His cooking has become an art form. He rarely uses recipes anymore or, if he does, he uses them as a jumping off point for creating something original. You never know how someone will react when his or her partner becomes chronically ill or otherwise disabled. Well, now I know, and it's a blessing I count every single day.

2) I'm also grateful to my two children, their spouses, and my two granddaughters: Mara, Brad, and Malia; Jamal, Bridgett, and Cam. They accept me as I am. That is not always the case with family when someone is chronically ill. I know, because people write to me about what's going on in their families. They often literally get harassed ("just get up off the couch and do something"). My family has never complained about my inability to be the active parent and grandparent I wish I could be. That is also a blessing that I count every day.

3) Finally, I'm grateful for the Buddha's guidance in this life. I've said before that I don't practice Buddhism as a religion but as a practical path. I'm not saying it's the path for everyone. But it's the path for me. His teachings—particularly those on impermanence, suffering, mindfulness, compassion, and equanimity—are at the heart of what I focus on every day as I make my way through life. I am so grateful to have discovered the dharma as it's called.

2019 and beyond:

1) Tony and I will be moving in March from a house we've lived in for almost 36 years. We're downsizing and moving to a small apartment. My resolution is to treat this move as an adventure. Sometimes all the things I see in front of me in the next few months are scary—downsizing (which will be the subject of my next piece at Psychology Today); fixing up the house we're about to leave; renovating the apartment we're about to move into; pulling off the actual move; and then, of course, adjusting to living in a different place. It's a daunting prospect at times, but it helps tremendously to treat it as an adventure—the next chapter in my life.

2) I also resolve to continue helping people, not just through my writing, but in my responses to them when they reach out to me. I get emails every week from someone who's read one of my books or one of my online articles. Sometimes it's just a "thank you." But, more often than not, people want my help with some difficulty they're facing. I resolve to offer comfort to people who contact me and to help them when I can.

3) Finally, I resolve to continue with my writing. Now that the second edition of How to Be Sick has been released, my focus will be on writing articles for Psychology Today. Here's the link to my blog there if you haven't seen it: Turning Straw Into Gold. I've noticed that, since becoming mostly housebound, I've been teaching myself how to do a host of creative things (watercolor, embroidery, clay, freeform crochet). Those things come and go in my life. The one constant, though, is my writing. I resolve to keep at it. It's one of the ways I can continue to help others and, as the saying goes, make lemonade out of this lemon of an illness.

Dear readers, your support has meant the world to Mara and me. Thank you so much for coming along with us the past two years.