Our Gratitude List for April. What Are You Grateful For?

Hard to believe April is already almost over! Here are are few things we are grateful for this month.

Mara:

A quirky marriage habit

My husband and I have this funny habit of buying the same thing. I guess it's one of the reasons that we are married—we like the same things. And we both love buying technological gadgets. One of those items is wireless Bose headphones. However, for some reason when I got my new phone last year, my headphones would not easily connect to them anymore. It would take 20 minutes of connecting and disconnecting them before they'd permanently connect. So my wonderful husband let me try his identical Bose headphones and they connected with no problem! So voila! 

The weather

It's been a beautiful month. I am not particularly outdoorsy, but even I can appreciate what a gorgeous spring we are having. It's warm during the day and cool at night. It's about to get hot, so I am enjoying the moderate temperatures for now.

Dueling

Dueling is a language app that my husband discovered. It's free and it's been really fun brushing up on French, which I studied for many years in school, but never felt I understood. When I was in school, language classes were something I felt I had to do. I didn't have a lot of incentive to actually learn the language because so much of the time was a mad rush of simply memorizing. But now I'm doing it because I want to, at my own pace, and I'm really enjoying it!

Toni:

My small house

I used to complain that our house was too small, and I still can't believe we raised two kids in it, especially when they were teenagers. But now I appreciate its smallness. Every room is only a few seconds away, including that all important distance from the bedroom to the kitchen! The house can get cluttered easily, but when I do clean up a room, I've cleaned up a good percentage of the place!

People who write to me from all over the world

My website has an email address and a form that people can use to write to me. And they do. From all over the world. They've either read my books or an article I've posted online, and they want to give me feedback, thank me, or just make a connection. Right now, I have emails from Finland, Scotland, and New Zealand in my In-Box. I love saying hello from Northern California to people across the world.

Brown rice crackers

My husband buys these for me. They're my Fritos, my potato chips, my Cheez Its. They're my stand-in for all the greasy stuff I'd rather be eating, but have learned (for the most part) to refrain from. The rice crackers have hardly any taste but also hardly any calories and no processed ingredients. They're nice and crisp though. I've been known to eat them by the handful! 

Mara and I would love to know what you're grateful for this month.

Photo Mara took on one of her morning jogs in the beautiful April sunshine.

Our Gratitude List for February. What Are You Grateful for this Month?

Here are three things that Toni is grateful for this month, and three things that Mara is grateful for. Enjoy!

From Toni

—This has been a tough month for me healthwise—too many doctors' appointments and too many side-effects from medications, and so I'm grateful that February has only 28 days!


—I'm grateful for my mid-day nap. Last Saturday, it was only because I napped that I was able to visit in front of the house for two hours when old friends whom I hadn't seen for over five years came through town and stopped by to visit.

—I'm grateful that, so far, I seem to be able to dabble in watercolors after striking out at oils and acrylics. With watercolors, I can recline in my lounger and paint on paper that I've taped to a board on my lap. I can ruin a watercolor with one misplaced stroke of the brush, and so I throw away more pieces than I keep. This is helping me overcome my perfectionist streak and that's another reason I'm grateful for this particular medium.

From Mara

—I am grateful for my rice cooker. My daughter wanted to try and eat vegan for a week, so I joined in the experiment to support her. (If you know me, this is the ultimate test of my love for my daughter because I am very much a meat eater.) I am not a person who cooks very much so, for the most part, I spent the week eating rice and tofu. And I'm very grateful for the rice cooker that my mother-in-law gave me for Christmas because it was easy to create big, lovely, perfectly cooked batches of rice for us!

—I am very grateful for our sturdy old house. We have had more rain this year in California than in the last decade. A storm last weekend brought with it 5-7 inches of rainfall within a few hours. All over Facebook I saw posts from friends dealing with leaks and power outages. Our house is small and it's in need of some touch-ups. It only has one full bathroom (much to our daughter's frustration). But in the 13 years we've lived here, it has never leaked. So when it's storming outside, I feel safe and protected in our lovely home. Very grateful.

—I am grateful for our crazy cat. We adopted a cat last year. He's a ginger cat and my husband named him Demetrius. He's quite a character. Both of the doors to our backyard have glass panels, and he has figured out that if he throws himself with lots of drama up against them that gets our attention and we'll let him in. But about 50% of the time, once we've gotten up from wherever we were sitting and walked across the room to the door to let him in, he decides he doesn't want to come in anymore. When we open the door, he either runs away or he stands and looks at us as if we've interrupted him. This drives me crazy. 

But he's a constant reminder that I am not in charge of the universe. Demetrius is his own little being. He's not a stuffed animal. He doesn't live for just my pleasure. And he reminds me that I can get mad that I can't control him, or I can just let it go and wait for him to throw himself up against the door again so I can get up and let him in again. And he'll come in if he wants.

One of Toni's watercolors

Penny For Your Thoughts

I found a penny today while I was jogging. I was breathless and tired, but I stopped and picked it up and clutched it in my hand for the rest of my workout. Holding small items like that in my hands while I’m exercising is not something I particularly enjoy. This is because my hands get sweaty and it’s hard for me to not drop things like my phone. And I don’t like stopping when I’m jogging because when I stop my momentum, it’s very hard for me to get started again. But I stop for pennies. 

I haven’t always picked up “lucky pennies.” There have been years when I just ignored them. But I have a friend who believes that money she finds are gifts from her mother in heaven. She often posts on social media about how she knows her mom was sending her love that day because she found a penny. So for a long time this idea about pennies was always floating in the back of my mind. I would see them in the street and think of my friend, but I rarely picked them up.

Last year I went through a very tough time. I take medication for both my depression and anxiety, and all the medications needed to be adjusted. Combine that with trying to raise a teenage daughter without all of us losing our minds, and it made for an emotionally unbalanced time. During my darkest moments, I started noticing money on the streets. A dime. A nickel. A penny. Two pennies. I wasn’t convinced that it meant anything, but at some point I realized I didn’t need to be convinced. I just wanted to be open to the possibility that maybe the universe was trying to send me love, hope...anything. 

So I started picking them up. 

One day I texted my friend a picture of a bright shiny new penny I found and told her I was thinking of her. She replied, “Put it in your bra over your left boob.” I replied, “That’s a very strange suggestion” and she wrote back, saying, “It’s the closest to your heart and that’s the closest to heaven.”

I’m still not doing that because my brain can’t reconcile the idea of jogging with pennies in my bra. But I do clutch them in my hands for the duration of my runs. It might be for a block; it might be for several miles. But I do it. And having the pennies in my hands reminds me to be grateful. It reminds me to be present. It reminds me that there might be something bigger out there in the universe. 

About a month ago, I was on a long walk. I was debating about whether or not I felt like it was the right time to start looking for a job. My daughter is older and much more independent, so my main role as her caretaker and driver is no longer taking up as much of my time. But I wasn’t sure I was mentally ready to get a job. I’d been having such a rough time. And, after 16 years of not working in traditional settings, I was feeling insecure about whether or not I could even do a job, let alone figure out how to get someone to hire me. I was feeling confused and frustrated. 

At some point during that walk, while I was giving myself a little pep talk about not letting my insecurities and anxiety stop me from trying, I realized that I might try and not succeed, but that not trying at all would be worse. And at that very moment I saw a dollar bill on the sidewalk right in front of me. It was folded up into a little square and laying in front of me as if someone had put it there for me to find. Again, I’m not particularly superstitious, but I truly felt in that moment that it was a message encouraging me to follow the positive thoughts I was having. Perhaps the universe was telling me that this was the path I needed to follow. 

Within a month I found a job. 

Today the penny I found was in a little puddle of water from the recent rain. It was old and corroded, its surface barely recognizable. But I instantly felt love with that old penny. No matter what it had endured, it had survived to provide me a little hope this morning. 

Thank you penny. 

Our Gratitude List for January. What Are You Grateful for This Month?

Sometimes it's easy to focus on the negative things in our lives. That's why we wanted to take a day each month to remember a few things that we are grateful for. Here are some things we are grateful for this January!

Mara:

—The rain. I am grateful we've had so much rain this month. Yes, I'm not always grateful in the moment—like when I'm getting soaked or my floors are covered in muddy paw prints. But I am thankful that we've gotten some relief from the terrible drought we've been suffering through. (I live in Southern California.) 

—An extra car. We purchased a car for our daughter last month. She's turning 16 in a couple weeks and we decided to get her a car early for two reasons: 1) we had time to shop during the holidays; and 2) with the rebates on electric vehicles, it made sense to get the car before year end. We debated about whether it was worth it to pay an extra month of insurance, but in the end we decided it was. Well, last week I was sitting at a traffic light when a truck turned left and ripped the bumper off my car. Nobody was injured because it was going slow (I wasn't moving at all), but it has taken my car out of commission for a while. So I am extremely grateful that there is a car on hand that I can use while my car is getting fixed. 

—Health Insurance. Ok, I know this is a repeat from last month's list, but with the pending repeal of the ACA, I feel it's important for me to remember how grateful I am that my family does not have to worry about whether or not our insurance will go away. A couple of weeks ago, my daughter thought she had pink eye. She's never had it before so we weren't sure, but because we have insurance it was not a problem for us to go to urgent care and get her medicine. We didn't have to wait to see if it got worse. We didn't have to decide if it was really important. We could just go and get her taken care of. It kept her eyes from become more infected. It made it less likely that anyone around her would get infected. We were able to catch it early enough that she didn't even have to miss school. So I am once again so grateful for health insurance. And I am taking this moment to say that I believe it is the right of all people to have access to medical care.

Toni:

Here are three things I'm grateful for this first month of 2017:

—Hail. Like Mara, I'm grateful that the rain has ended the drought for us for now (I live in Northern California). Last week we were treated to a rare occurrence in our part of California: hail that didn't melt right away when it hit the ground. When it started, we opened the back door and watched (and listened) as it turned the backyard white. My husband took a picture of this unexpected treat:

—Alex, dog walker and trainer. With all the rain, it's been hard to exercise our dog, Scout, and this is a dog whose energy is limitless. Alex takes Scout out three times a week no matter what the weather is like. At times this month, it was pouring rain all day, but Alex always showed up on time. I'm grateful for his reliability and for his willingness to watch Scout whenever she needs to be left alone for longer than I'm comfortable with, such as when I have to go to Sacramento to see the doctor. (Speaking of doctors, I agree with Mara about everyone having the right to medical care. Dozens of countries, many that are much poorer than ours, provide universal health coverage for their citizens. It's tragic that we may lose the gains we've made in this direction under the ACA.)

—My husband's work at Folsom Prison. He's a volunteer chaplain at Folsom. He goes twice a week, sometimes three, and teaches mindfulness meditation to some of the most hardened prisoners to help them with impulse control, pain management, and the depression that can set in when you've been in prison for decades. 

He is changing their lives. Every week he comes home with stories about one of his "guys" having shared how he's benefitting from what he's learned. One week, an inmate shared how he was about to start a fight with someone (which would land him in solitary) but stopped himself with some mindful breathing, which gave him time to realize that what he was about to do would only make things worse for him. Some of the men have even started feeling compassion for each other. The work my husband does there is remarkable and I'm grateful to him for it.

I wonder what February has in store for me.

The Bumpy Road to Acceptance and the Happiness It Brings

I recently heard the quote “Being an adult is learning to live with disappointment.” I’m not sure I agree with it, but I understand what it means. It means that no matter how amazing our lives are, we aren’t always going to get what we want. And being an adult means we have to learn how to cope with disappointment. 

And yet, I think it’s more helpful to focus acceptance rather than disappointment. I think adulthood is about learning to accept things with grace. Accepting the good things and accepting the bad things. Taking responsibility for the things we need to be responsible for. 

Growing up, I was considered mature at a young age. People always told me I was a little adult or they'd say, “Oh I thought you were so much older.” And that was because I took on a lot of responsibility as a young person and that impressed people. So I grew up thinking I was adult because I could do all these things that were considered “adult.” But the reality was I had no idea what it meant to be an adult. 

Yes, I had no problem taking on responsibility for big projects. I could choreograph an entire musical full of adults. I could tell people what to do and be super organized. But I had very little idea about being responsible for my own life.

Growing up, my parents were great and they were supportive of me in every way. I almost think they were too supportive. I became a grown-up person without ever understanding how to get my laundry done regularly. Or how to clean up after myself in the kitchen. I grew up not realizing that it was an inconvenience to everyone around me if I left my dirty cups all over the house. I was well into my 20's before I didn’t expect my parents to solve problems for me when it wasn’t “convenient” for me to do so. 

My teens and my early twenties are filled with memories of waiting for my life to start. I was in a rush to get out high school and to go to college. I was in a rush to get out of college and get married and get a job. I was in rush to have kids.  

Those years are a blur to me because I kept thinking "This is what I’m doing until my real life begins." I thought I didn’t need to worry about being happy because I assumed I’d be happy when I finally was "grown up." The problem with thinking this way was that, at some point, I realized that life was passing me by and the idea of arriving at the mythical place of “happiness” wasn’t happening.

It wasn’t until my late twenties, after I had a child, that I finally began to understand what it meant to be an adult. I couldn’t not do the laundry just because I didn’t feel like it. I couldn’t stay in bed if I didn’t feel well. Frankly, aside from my mom—who will probably always feel sorry for me—nobody was feeling sorry for me. I was an adult. What felt like overwhelming responsibility and inconvenience to me was simply what millions of other parents had faced all through time: being an adult. 

Even after having a child, I felt as if I still had so much time. I thought there was the possibility of starting an amazing company or becoming famous or doing whatever I wanted at the time. But when I reached my 30's, I started to get an unsettling feeling of dissatisfaction. I realized that most of those dreams were probably no longer a possibility. I began wondering to myself, “If I never do anything more with my life, will I be okay with that?” For several years I was unsure and this led to that underlying feeling of dissatisfaction.

Then I started second-guessing my life. I'd think, “If I'd just done this I'd feel happier” or “If I just do that I’ll feel happier.” But no matter how much I accomplished or tried to become what I thought I wanted to become, the feelings of insecurity and doubt remained. I got a job. I lost the baby weight. I did some professional acting.  I started a dance company. But it was never enough. 

Finally, I realized that nothing I did was going to make me feel better. It clicked inside my brain that to truly feel better I had be able to accept what I am. I had to be able to accept what I am right in this moment. 

To be honest, if I could truly explain how I came to this revelation, I'd probably be a millionaire. The idea that true happiness is to be found by accepting yourself has been around a long time. But no one can tell you exactly how to do it. And it’s not easy. It’s not something you can simply read about and suddenly feel different. Even after I realized that acceptance was the key to my feeling better, it didn’t change everything for me overnight. 

It’s taken years. It’s taken years of wrestling with the concept of acceptance—even challenging the idea—before I finally learned to trust that my life isn’t about what I have done in the past or will do in the future. It’s about right now. That if I can accept where I am right now, then I will be able to accept myself where I am in the next moment. And the next. And the next. 

Even now, there are often times when I'm filled with doubts and fear. When that happens, I can feel myself getting caught in the whirlwind of fighting against what is or find myself wondering “What if?” But the difference is that I'm able to catch myself now. I'm able to slow myself down and remind myself that whatever scenarios I’ve created in my mind don’t matter. All that matters is this moment. All that matters is putting one foot in front of the other; taking one breath after another. 

And while this state of mind doesn’t solve all my problems—I still often struggle—it definitely helps. It helps me accept that the life I am living is the life I am living. I can choose to enjoy it—to really appreciate it—or I can choose to be unhappy. I am choosing to try to be happy. I am choosing to accept what my life is. It doesn’t mean that I'm never disappointed, or that I will stop growing or trying new things and reaching for new stars; but whatever happens...is what happens. And I will choose to try and make the best of it. 

For my mom, becoming chronically ill has truly challenged her ideas about acceptance. Here are her answers to my questions about it.

When you realized that your illness was probably chronic, what was your reaction?

My reaction in the early months and years was denial. Denial, anger, and a lot of self-blame. It was because I thought back then that people didn't get sick and not recover, and the people around me seemed to feel the same way—even if they weren't trying to be judgmental. So I thought, what's wrong with me that I'm not getting better? There was a lot of self-blame which is very common when people first become chronically ill.

My reaction changed when I realized that this illness was just an illness. Even though I was sick, I was still a whole person—just as anyone who is disabled is still a whole person. A person missing a limb is still a whole person. That's when I stopped blaming myself. And when the self-blame went away, so did a lot of the denial and anger. I still get angry every once in a while, but it used to be the way I felt all the time. It was awful. I hid it. I hid it from my kids and my friends. But my husband knew. And I knew.

How long do you think it took before you were able to start to come to terms with acceptance of your illness?

I get asked that question a lot, and it always throws me because it's been 15 1/2 years since I became chronically ill, so it's getting harder and harder to remember. Not harder to remember when I got sick—that's seared into my mind. But it's hard to remember when I started to turn my mind around. 

So, what I do is count backward from when I started writing my first book because that was when the mental healing began. I would say it took about six years to start to accept this illness. I can only hope that my books, my writing, and maybe these interviews help other people not take so long to start moving toward acceptance. Life is too short.

For some people acceptance is the same thing as giving up, or resignation. For you, what is the difference between acceptance and resignation?

Acceptance, as I see it, is acknowledging where you have to start in your life. And for me the main feature of where I have to start is that I'm sick. I'm chronically ill. There's hope in acceptance because you can't take steps to make things better for yourself until you stop and acknowledge how things are for you right now.

So, take a moment to truly acknowledge how you feel and take that as your starting point. For me, that starting point is: "I'm in a body that's sick." Whatever your starting point is, from there, you can open to possibilities of what you might be able to do within the limitations of your illness.

I can't take credit for the expression "start where you are." The Tibetan Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron has a book titled, Start Where You Are, and that title really resonated with me, so I use it to help myself and help others. The emphasis is on start—starting to see possibilities for making changes in your life. Start with an open and mind and an open heart. That's acceptance.

Resignation, on the other hand, is giving up on life. There's tremendous aversion in it and a lot of anger and resentment. It's the attitude of "Life is unfair. I give up. I'll just be miserable from now on." We've all been there. That's resignation. You're treading water when you're feeling that way, and so there's no chance to improve your life.

But there's hope in acceptance.

I went through a resignation phase. But then I realized that, even though I'm limited in what I can do, I'm still alive. You talked about this in your terrific piece above—how you've chosen to be happy. (Sorry for a little detour here, Mara, but I want to comment on one thing in your piece—I don't feel sorry for you. I do worry about you at times though, so that sounds like a more accurate characterization—to me anyway!)

Okay. Back to choosing to be happy. Obviously, no one can be happy all the time but, like you, I've also chosen it as a direction. I choose to find things that are fulfilling to do with my life. I choose to look for joy where I can find it. 

When you're resigned you don't move forward and so you can't even make choices that are likely to make things better for you. That's why resignation is a sad place to be. We've all been there, but hopefully by recognizing the feeling when it arises, we can learn to acknowledge it and move on.

What is your advice for people who are struggling with the idea of acceptance of their current situation?

I have to go to some of the Buddha's teachings here to answer that. Most people have heard of the first noble truth. In it, the Buddha provided a list of the experiences we can all expect in life. And one of the things on that list is illness. There are other things, such as growing old, separation from loved ones, etc. (I'm sure these lessons are included in other religious teachings as well, but I am familiar with Buddhism.)

So I look at the Buddha's list and think, "Wow. Chronic illness is a natural part of the life cycle." That teaching has helped me a lot. It made a huge difference to me to be able to say that this is one of the things on the list that all of us can expect to experience even though it's unpleasant. And so, since illness an inevitable part of human existence, I'd advise people not to fight their current situation. Try to see it as just the way your particular life is unfolding. Illness could happen to anyone. 

It's also helpful to remember that everyone has things about their lives they're not happy with. For those who are healthy, it might be not being able to find love or hating their job. Life offers us many wonderful things but it also has its share of sorrows, and they're on that list from the first noble truth. 

The response to a tough situation should not be resignation because that carries so many negative and painful emotions with it. That said, if it's too hard to move right away from resignation to acceptance, I suggest practicing self-compassion. All that means is recognizing that you're suffering and being nice to yourself about it. So, acknowledge how hard it is to be sick or in pain, and be nice to yourself about it. You can even speak kindly to yourself about how hard it is. In my books, I suggest crafting self-compassion phrases that you can say silently to yourself, almost like a mantra. 

There's no way around it, it's hard to feel sick all the time. Really hard. But it's easier if you can accept it. To do that, take your chronic illness as your starting point and then look around for what might be enjoyable for you. And always, always, be nice to yourself.

Our December Gratitude List. What's on Yours?

From Mara

We thought it would be nice to use our mid-week post at the end of each month to list a few things we were grateful for that month! If you know me, I tend to be a little (a lot) sarcastic and more of a Angry Little Asian Girl (cartoon character) than a Hello Kitty (also a cartoon character). But as a parent and spouse, I have learned the importance of gratitude. It was always easy for me to see what I was dissatisfied about with my life, but it took me a long time to learn how truly important it is to be able to identify and be thankful for what I have. Simply taking the time to recognize what blessings we have can make each day brighter. I firmly believe that gratitude allows for more grace in our lives.

We would love to hear what you are grateful for this month. Please comment below!

This month I am grateful for:

Medical care. Last week I started to feel sick. I thought I had a cold but by Wednesday night, was very sick and thought I should probably see a doctor. I went to our local Kaiser Urgent Care clinic, was given medicine, and was better in time to enjoy the holidays with my family. 

I am so grateful to have access to this level of medial care. Sure it was a hassle and sure I didn’t want to spend the money on the extra appointment, but I'm grateful I have medical insurance so I don’t have to choose between going to the doctor or feeding my family. I'm also extremely grateful to the smart people out there who invent things that heal us and the dedicated people who manage to get through medical school to be doctors. And finally, I'm grateful that I'm healthy enough to be able to return to health. SO GRATEFUL.

Crock pots. Seriously, the Pineapple Brown Sugar Crock Pot Ham was miraculous. I got the recipe from Facebook. It was ridiculously easy to prepare, not very expensive, and DELICIOUS.

My dad's strange Christmas gifts. So my dad went through a phase where he insisted on buying unique (strange) gifts for the family. Sometimes they were meant to be jokes, but usually it seemed as if he’d gone to some effort to pick something he thought might actually be useful. Several years ago he bought our daughter a scrolling LED sign. At the time, we thought “Oh cool—whatever,” but it has turned out to be a great gift because we use it on important days in our lives and it makes them extra special. 

On birthdays, we type in Happy Birthday and on Christmas we type in Merry Christmas. We can add hearts and stars and it scrolls along all day long, reminding us what a special day it is. And it is unique; when people walk into the house, they say, “Wow that’s so cool!” At the end of that special day, I always feel a little sad when I turn the sign off, but I'm also so grateful to have it. It makes our special days extra special and always reminds me of my dad.

Our very unique LED scrolling sign (And one of my favorite pictures my mom drew!) 

From Toni

This month I am grateful for:

Mara's dad's cooking. I live with that same dad she writes about above. He feels bad that he can't make my health problems go away, so some time ago he decided that what he could do for me was to cook a delicious dinner each night. Every year, the food gets better and better. This month, he was in fine form, cooking everything from fish that melted in my mouth to fried rice and eggs that tasted as if they'd come from a gourmet restaurant. 

But on Christmas Day—also the second night of Hanukkah—he outdid himself, cooking Syrian Jewish food from recipes he found on the web. Dinner featured Keftes (meatballs in a sweet and sour sauce with cherries) and Kibbet Yatkeen (Pumpkin patties—an early version of latkes before they were made with potatoes after they began to be imported from the Americas). The food was so exotic and delicious that our two guests and I were swooning over it...and that was before he brought out the burned caramel custard for dessert. Grateful indeed!

Mara. It was Mara's idea for us to start this blog together. I am so grateful to her for it. It's put us in closer contact than we've been for years. I've learned so much about her from reading what she shares here...and I think she's learned some new things about me. In addition, I love that so many people have written me, saying that a mother-daughter blog is a wonderful and unique idea. Finally, the blog is connecting me with readers of my books and other writing in a new way. I'm so grateful to Mara for coming up with this idea.

Christmas and Hanukkah overlapping. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it brings back cherished childhood memories. I wrote about them here: "Hanukkah and Christmas Overlapping: Hallelujah!"

Speaking of gratitude, in 2014, I wrote a short piece for Psychology Today with advice on "What to Do When Gratitude is in Short Supply." If you're interested, you can find it here.

And finally, Mara and I are grateful to all of you for reading our musings.